


Honey you can't help it

by MyosoTheMoth



Series: Steven has Trichotillomania [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (oc is steven's therapist), Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Body Image, Cuddles, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hair-pulling, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Health Issues, Negative Thoughts, Original Character(s), PTSD (mentioned), Therapy, Trichotillomania, bfrb, this is just me heavily projecting on steven, this is my first time posting a fic in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27712778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyosoTheMoth/pseuds/MyosoTheMoth
Summary: "Hey though, what’s up with your eyebrow? Kinda looks shorter than the other." She tried to get closer to his face, but he pushed her away."Oh it's nothing, I tried trimming my eyebrows but i messed up that one." He dissmised. She stared at him a second before dropping the topic. She started to talk again, but Steven was already in deep thought.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Series: Steven has Trichotillomania [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026895
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Honey you can't help it

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a quote from Sharpener by Cavetown  
> This fic takes place between "I Am My Monster" and "The Future"  
> Trigger warning for : trichotillomania (hair-pulling), mention of blood (not much).  
> Comment if another tag or trigger warning is needed

Steven and Amethyst were hanging out at the beach, laughing as the sun was setting in the horizon, painting the ocean with a warm orange glow.

Steven stood up, "We should start going back, it's starting to get darker." He said dusting his pants and adjusting his beanie. 

Amethyst jumped on her feet. "Yeah probably, don't want to get through another lecture from P." Amethyst elbowed him grinning. "Hey though, what’s up with your eyebrow? Kinda looks shorter than the other." She tried to get closer to his face, but he pushed her away. 

"Oh it's nothing, I tried trimming my eyebrows but i messed up that one." He dissmised. She stared at him a second before dropping the topic. She started to talk again, but Steven was already in deep thought.

***a few months earlier***

_"Steven, I noticed during our sessions that you would occasionally play or pull at your hair. Is there any reason for that?" The question surprised him. He barely noticed he was doing it in front of them, the thought made him blush in embarrassement._

_"O-oh i'm sorry," he replied fast, putting his hands on his knees. "It's just a bad habit..."_

_They paused for a second, "For how long have you had this habit?"_

_"I'm not really sure," the hybrid said, scratching the back of his head, "First time i remember doing it i was 9? Maybe 10? It wasn't that bad back then."_

_"Is there anything specific that triggers it ?"_

_"I usually do it when i'm anxious or stressed, but sometimes i'm not aware of it."_

_They took notes, and looked back at Steven. "You said it wasn't bad before. How has that changed ? "_

_"Well uuh," Steven looked down at the ground, "before i kinda just tugged at it, and it didn't happen often. But now I do it more frequently, i pull more hair, and not only on my head." He paused. "Sometimes it leaves bald spots..."_

_Dr. Fayoll hummed in comprehension, "Is it why you are wearing a hat today?"_

_Steven nodded in shame, a pink glow spreading on his cheeks as he rubbed the top of his head where the bald spot was hidden underneath the hat. "Before i could hide it, but this one is too noticeable." He hid his head in his hands. "I tried for so long to stop doing that, but it keeps getting worse. I don't know what i am doing wrong."_

_"I think the reason is because you're not looking at the problem right." Steven lifted his head to look at his therapist.  
"I believe what you described isn't a bad habit, but Trichotillomania."_

_The hybrid's face scrunched in confusion. "'Trich-oh-tillo-mani-ah'?" He slowly said, tripping over the word, "What is that?"_

_"It is a body-focused repetitive behaviour, also called 'hair-pulling disorder'. It's a mental disorder defined by reccurent and irresistible urges to pull one's hair on different areas on their bodies. Hair pulling damages the skin and hair follicles, and often leaves bald spots when excessive, which causes significant distress to the person who pulls."_

_Steven's eyes widened, "That... That does sound like me." He fiddled with his hands. "What causes it? Is there a cure?"_

_Dr. Fayoll sighed. "We don't really know what causes trichotillomania. There are theories that it probably results from a combination of genetic and environmental factors, but no certain cause has been found. Boredom, stress and anxiety seems to be the most common triggers of a pulling episode."_

_They continued, "As for treatment, there are specialised therapies like Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy or Habit Reversal Therapy that helps a lot of people suffering with trichotillomania. However there are no cure with 100% success. Most of trichotillomaniacs live with this disorder for their entire life, but these treatments helps."_

_Steven looked down in thought, it was a lot to take in. At least he wasn't crazy or too lazy, it had a name and he could get help for it._

***back to present day***

He didn't tell anyone else about his condition : not the gems, not his dad, not even Connie know. He felt too shameful about it, and even though he is making slow progress with his Dr. Fayoll to accept it, it still feels to diffucult to talk about.

They arrived at the beach house, Pearl and Garnet were putting the table.  
"Steven, Amethyst, welcome back! You're just in time for dinner." Pearl announced enthusiastically.  
"Cool, i'm starving!" Said Amethyst jumping on the chair, almost knocking off the plate in front of her.  
"Be careful Amethyst!" Gasped Pearl.  
Steven sat down and ate, talking with the others about how their day went. 

After that he cleaned off his plate and went upstairs to his room, taking out his phone to video-call Connie. The phone rang twice, and her face appeared on the screen, making him smile.

"Hey Connie!"  
- _"Steven, hi! How are you?"_  
"I'm good, just finished dinner. What about you?"  
- _"I'm fine too, i was reading a book we got for homework."_ She held up a book with a navy blue cover, a bookmark sticking out of it.  
"Haha i'm not bothering you am i?"  
- _"You know you'd never bother me biscuit. I love you too much for that."_  
"I know, i know." He smiled, blushing a little. "Are you free tomorrow? It would be nice to see each other."  
- _"Wait let me check."_ She reached for her agenda and flipped through it. _"Yes i can come!"_  
"Sweet! 1pm like usual?"  
Connie grinned, leaning her head on her hand.  
- _"Like usual. I can't wait to see you."_  
Steven grinned back, "Neither can I, Strawberry."  
They continued to talk for a while before wishing each other goodnight and ending the call. 

Steven took his pyjamas and went to the bathroom, locking the door as he prepared to shower. He glanced at the mirror, leaning into it as he looked at his eyebrows. 

_'Is it really this noticeable?'_ He touched the part where hair was missing, frowning. He thought it would be ok without makeup, but maybe he should fill in the gap until it grew back. Taking off his beanie, he touched the growing hair on top of his head. It was growing back, no longer a bald spot, but the difference in lenght was a bit noticeable. Too noticeable for him. He knew that if he went out like that he wouldn't stop obsessing over it. 

_'If Amethyst saw it, then everyone must have.'_ He thought as he stepped in the shower, _'They probably think i'm weird.'_

He turn the shower on, the hot water and the scent of shampoo soothing his mind. Showers always calmed him down when his thoughts gets bad. He took his time, letting his thoughts settle down. He was doing good, even though he relasped a little the other day it happens. He left the shower a few minutes later, going to his room to watch videos on TubeTube until it was time to sleep. He took off his beanie, laid it down on his nightstand and turned the lights off.

As he laid in his bed, his thoughts started drifting to Connie and what they would do tomorrow.  
_'We could go watch a movie? Or maybe go to Funland. It's been a while since we went on a date.'_ He smiled at the thought. They have have been dating for 2 months now, thinking of Connie as his girlfriend made him all giddy.  
_'God i'm so lucky to have her, she's an angel.'_

However the nice thoughts didn't stay for long.  
_'What would she say if she knew about my trichotillomania? I mean, while she was supportive of my PTSD (the word still felt foreign to him), it's not the same, i'm doing this to myself...'_ His hands went up in his hair unconciously, playing and tugging at it as his anxieties took control of his mind.  
_'What if she notice my eyebrow? I definitively need to fill it in tomorrow... What about the hat? It could fall, exposing everything...'_

As the thoughts went on, his pulling increased. Only the stinging on his scalp made Steven aware of what was happening. 

_'Oh no, i need to stop. Come on stop!'_ But it was no use, despite his best effort his hand kept pulling and pulling. He felt awful, mentally scolding himself for continuing. The sting and itch was so much, his arm was starting to ache from the repetitive motion but his body seemed determined. He wasn't in control of anything, and that just made him pull more as his anxiety spiked, his body glowing pink in the darkness of the room. 

_'Please please please just stop. I need to stop right now! Please listen to me!'_ At last, he finally gained back control and dug his hands in his comforter, clutching it in a deadly grip and breathing heavily. He did some breathing exercises to calm himself down, and when the glowing stopped he slowly let go of the comforter. His hands were shaking and the right side of his head was throbbing and stinging like crazy, with no doubt the damage was bad. Still shaking, he reached for the lamp and turned it on. He slowly looked at the ground beside his bed.

 _'Oh no.'_ A dark mass of hair sat there, still but threatening. There was so much hair, he didn't notice it was this much. Steven gently put his palm over the new bald spot, wincing at the sting, and pulled away. There was a bit of blood on his palm, the bald spot was the size of it. 

_'Oh god no. No, no, no.'_ His thoughts were frantic as he took his phone. It read ' **2:07 am** '. He unlocked it, opened the camera selfie mode, and turned his head to check. 

A sob tore through him as he looked at it. In his dark hair laid a pale spot of skin, covered in small red spots of blood. He must have pulled too harshly. Steven couldn't look anymore, he put his phone on the bed and cried, shame washing over him. 

_'I was doing so good, why now? Would Connie even love me like this? Who would honestly? It hurts to look at, i'm so ugly. Everyone will think i'm a freak if they find out. I'm so tired of this, i want it to end. Why can't i just **stop**?'_

He cried for a few minutes. When the crying calmed down, he numbly reached for his beanie and some bandaids. He carefully put the hat on his head, still sensitive after the pulling, put on his headphones with relaxing music and wrapped his fingers with the bandaids. Slowly laying his throbbing head down, he fell asleep, focusing on the music rather than the loudness of his mind.

\--------------------

Steven woke up the next morning as his alarm went off for the 3rd time. It was around 11am, the night went by in a flash. He was exhausted, but as much as he wanted to stay in his room all day he knew he had to get up. Lazily, he stretched himself and climbed out of bed. He decided to take a morning shower to wake up and clean the blood from his hair. He took some cozy clothes, makeup for his eyebrow, a new beanie and headed to the bathroom. 

The spot looked even worse now, so to avoid triggering himself he turned his back to the mirror, shielding himself from his reflection. The shower took longer than usual, he felt zoned out, mind running but quiet at the same time. He dressed up and went to the kitchen to eat lunch. It was quiet in the house, as the gems were working at Little Homeworld for the day. The peace felt nice.

As he was going to clean his plate Steven heard a knock at the door. He looked up and saw Connie behind the door.  
_'Crap i forgot!'_ The hybrid stood up and opened the door to his girlfriend.

"Hey Connie." They hugged and kissed, "I'm sorry, i woke up late and kind of lost track of time." He rubbed his head bashfully as he let her inside.

"It's alright don't worry about it biscuit." She smiled at him.

"Do you mind waiting a few minutes? I just need to clean this up and i'll be yours."

Connie gasped in fake offense. "And here i thought you were mine long ago, seems like i was wrong." They laughed. "But yeah i don't mind." She kissed his cheek, heading upstairs.

Steven quickly cleaned his plate and table and he joined her in his room. She was sitting on the end of the bed.

"Sorry for the mess, i didn't really have time to tidy up."

"You don't need to apologize this much you know." Connie smiled warmly at him. "Plus i've seen your room in worse state before."

"Conniiiie." He whined, sitting next to her on the bed. She laughed at his childish behaviour.

"I saw that there was hair next to your bed," Steven's body froze. "Did you cut your hair or something?"

"A-ah yeah, that... Yeah i tried something but it uh, it looks bad so..." He awkwardly fumbled, avoiding eye contact. Connie looked at him with a worried look.

"Steven i can tell you're not saying the truth. What happened?"

"I-It's nothing, don't worry about it." He tried to change the subject, but she cut him off.

"Whatever it is, it's stressing you, i can see it. Please tell me what happened." 

"I- umm..." His throat closed up. He knew she could read him like a book, there was no escape from this situation. However it wasn't how he imagined it would go. He wasn't ready, he needed more time. 

_'I can't tell her, but she won't leave it until i say something. What if she finds me disgusting and decides to break up with me? She might not understand, decide that i'm too much trouble and leave me.'_ His thoughts were running wild once again, and he started to tear up. 

"Oh Steven." Connie immediatly took him in her arms and rubbed his back. "It's ok baby you're safe, i'm here for you. I'm not leaving, so let it all out." The dam broke and he cried for half an hour, clutching at her shirt and saying 'sorry's' in between sobs while she hushed and comforted him.

When the sobs calmed down, he spoke up, wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. "I'm scared you'll see me differently if i tell you..."

"I won't leave you, i promise Biscuit." She said sympathetically, holding his hands and lightly squeezing them. "Take all the time you need." He squeezed back, and took a deep breath.

"I- uh, I got diagnosed with a disorder called trichotillomania." He gulped, he was doing it. 

"It's a hair pulling disorder. Basically i get urges to pull my hair and i-i can't control it. It happens when i'm anxious or stressed, but also when i'm bored sometimes. I don't really notice that i'm doing it. I've had this for a while, but i thought it was just a bad habit." He takes another breath, the feeling of Connie rubbing his hands with hers is soothing. 

"The intensity varies from time to time, but sometimes the pulling gets very bad and i end up with a bald spot. I had a very bad pulling episode this night, so that's why..." 

"That's why there's hair next to your bed." He nodded as she finished his sentence. 

"I didn't know how to tell you, or anyone. It makes me feel so bad, but i keep thinking that people will think i'm crazy for doing that..." He keeps his head down, not daring to look at her expression.  
_'What if it's what she thinks? Maybe i didn't explain it righ-'_

"I'll never think that of you Steven." She reassured him, holding his face to look at him. "That was very brave of you, i can't imagine how hard it has been for you to keep it to yourself."

His eyes are wide in surprise, and then he break into a small, happy smile. "I was so scared, I'm so glad you're here." He kissed her on the lips and hugged her. 

"Always. We're Jam Buds forever right?" Connie chuckled, holding him tight.

"Jam Buds forever."

They stayed like this for a bit, enjoying the other's presence.

"Hey, tell me if i'm stepping over any boundaries, but can i see?" She looked at him, pointing her head.

"Umm no sorry. I'm not comfortable enough to do that, it's not against you or anything. It's just really bad, even i don't want to look at myself without the spot covered." He explained, a bit of shame lurking at the back of his mind.

"It's fine, i understand that it's not easy for you. It doesn't make me love you any less." She reassured him. "Is there anything i can do to help you with it?"

Steven hummed in thought, "Knowing that you are here if i need comfort alone does help. If we're together and you see that i'm doing it can you, like, distract me or warn me, in a subtle manner if someone else is around? I don't know if i'm ready to tell the others yet."

"Subtle huh? That calls for a 'special code'." They both chuckled. 

"We'll figure one out. For now, how about we watch a movie on the TV? We did have a date planned, but i don't feel like going outside for today."

"Who says a date can't be cuddling in bed while watching movies?" Connie arched her eyebrow, smiling.

Steven laughed, "Cuddles and movies, it is." 

They put on a Dogcopter movie and slid under the covers, cuddling each other lovingly.


End file.
